Posts Tagged ‘marriage’
September 12th, 2010 | 
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Why Is There Infidelity In My Life?
Author: Len Stauffenger
Was your divorce caused by infidelity? It's one of the most painful experiences to experience. If divorce is new in your life, you might want to avoid my words, least of all agree with them. We enter into marriage with such high hopes for fidelity tattooed across our minds and hearts and we vow to be faithful to our mate. "And then something happens." The causes of infidelity in a marriage belong to both the husband and the wife, regardless of which one was actually unfaithful. If you don't admit to your role in the experience, you are bound to repeat it, so I'd strongly urge you to read about these ideas with an open mind in order to prevent this from ever happening to you again. Unfaithfulness, or having an affair, is often viewed as a betrayal of the marriage commitment. If the affair was physical or only inside your mind, both these kinds of infidelity create pain for the other spouse who looks at either one of them as some form of betrayal and breaking of the marriage vows. I can tell you that the person who is performing the infidelity is doing so for themselves, and not to go against their spouse. The infidel thinks they have valid reasons to blame their spouse, for example, the spouse has neglected them in their marriage; their spouse spends more time with the kids; their spouse has quit communicating openly with them. These are just some of the excuses for blaming someone else for what is really their infidelity, but if you are the non-offender, do look at these and see if you do any of them. The unfaithful spouse frequently works from a perspective of being jealous of his spouse for a variety of reasons, some of them too silly to even mention. Are you one of those who accepts excuses like this? Maybe an honest look at your commitment to your relationship with your spouse is due. Infidelity sometimes stems from judgments that are made about the spouse: you might think that they are not a good wage earner, so you're justified to fool around; she might be a plain Jane, and since you're such a prince, you feel justified to have an affair. He might uphold a higher moral standard than you do, which makes you think it's okay to lie and cheat on him because that'll show him! These are all mistaken justifications and need the light of honesty shined on them. You might be outgrowing the relationship but you stay in it because by now, you are financially involved to the hilt and it would be a financial smack in the jaws to divorce, so why not just have a fling to cut the boredom, add a little spice, and basically (in your mind only) honor the commitment because, after all, "It's only sex, not love." So many people do not buy that line of BS. You might work with someone who is extremely attractive and what began as innocent flirting could end up as a full blown affair. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction and what might feel great now, could end up as guilt or shame later on, so take the long view. Or is this just an act of revenge because you are aging and your spouse is holding her own a bit better than you? Have you considered what are you teaching your children? Is your example good for them? Don't think that they are quite young now and are unaware of what you're doing. They'll find out sooner or later. Don't you want to be their Big Daddy for always and forever? Making it through the other side of an affair leaves both members of the marriage shaken. I found some wonderful vulnerability quizzes on the internet that you can take to see where you stand in this sensitive situation. http://tinyurl.com/67y9au I hope and pray that you never experience infidelity again. Divorce isn't fun, and if you wise up, you'll no longer have to bear the blame.
Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/home-and-family-articles/why-is-there-infidelity-in-my-life-791346.html
About the Author
In his book "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," Len Stauffenger shares his simple wisdom gleaned from his divorce with his daughters and with you. Len is a Success Coach and an Attorney. You can purchase Len's book and it's accompanying workbook at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com
Surprising Reasons Why Men Leave (and How to Handle It)
Author: Brenda Shoshanna
After a relationship ends, whether it’s a 20 year marriage or a promising romance, women ask themselves over and over, what went wrong? They ask themselves, their girlfriends and their therapists. Sometimes they even spend weeks and months blaming themselves and become afraid to try again. Once they know what really happened, it’s always easier to move on.
Below are some top reasons men leave and some guidelines on how to handle this.
They’re Waiting For The Perfect Partner
Some men have a secret fantasy which whispers that a perfect partner is somewhere, around the corner, waiting for him. This perfect partner will not only accept him as he is fully, but he’ll finally be able to express the parts of himself that are hidden. She’ll bring out the best in him. Rather than criticize and make demands, the perfect partner will give unconditionally and fulfill his every need. This fantasy should not be discounted, as it fuels much of this man's inner life. When a woman understands this fantasy fully, she has a secret for helping the man really thrive.
They Hear A Call To Adventure
As soon as some men see a relationship as stifling his basic need for adventure, he can feel himself to be trapped in a prison without bars. Many men then blame the relationship for the dilemma he is in. They do not realize that their true need is to find adventure in the relationship. A woman who does best in this kind of relationship is one who provides challenge.
They Suffer From A Fear Of Commitment
The fear of commitment is widely misunderstood. Commitment is inevitable when a man is living from the truth of who he is. When a man, however, is in a relationship out of obligation, guilt, on or to fulfill a false sense of self-esteem, no real commitment is possible. If he’s not committing, it’s because he doesn’t feel things are right for him.
They Fear That They Can’t Satisfy The Woman
There are some women who can never be satisfied no matter how much a man gives or tries to please. Some men become tied up in knots in these relationships and start to feel terrible about themselves. No matter how hard they try, they can’t get the approval they are hungry for. Some just live for those rare moments when they are acknowledged and thanked.
He’s Acting Out The Repetition Compulsion
The Repetition Compulsion is the unconscious compulsion to repeat a painful situation or relationship over and over, in the hopes it will turn out differently this time. Usually each time is worse, brings more pain and disappointment. Even in the rare instances when the person gets what he wants, the original hunger does not subside. The only solution to this compulsion is to go back to the original trauma, face it fully and work it out.
He’s Involved With The Ghost Of A Past Relationship
These Ghosts are memories, dreams and longings that linger from past relationships, which have been finished but are not over. A man can hold onto the memory of a former wife or lover and idealize her to such an extent, it prevents him from being available to anyone in the present. These memories can also become projected on the current relationship. These men must learn to say forgive the past, say good-bye, and develop the courage to love again.
Here are some Touchstones, (guidelines) for both women and men to help understand relationships better and behave in a way that is helpful for all.
Touchstones For Women
- Realize the turbulence a man goes through often has nothing to do with you - and cannot be avoided.
- Give him space to discover himself, without guilt. His changes do not mean he does not love you. Allow him to be all that he is. Acceptance is love.
- Get busy becoming all the person you can be too. There is nothing worse for a relationship than a man feeling you are clinging to him for your life.
Touchstones For Men
- Restlessness and painful feelings come so you can understand yourself better. Don’t blame them on the relationship. This is not a time to run away, but stay put and understands what is going on inside.
- While you are unsettled and confused is not the best time to act. Choices made during this time are often ruled by feelings and needs from the past.
- Make sure you help the woman realize what you are going through. Do not blame her for it. Be patient with her and yourself.
- Understand that craving other women can become an addiction and escape from intimacy, bringing only more pain and repetition in its wake.
Cc/Dr Brenda Shoshanna/2007
Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles/surprising-reasons-why-men-leave-and-how-to-handle-it-243912.html
About the Author
Hear men tell you in their own words why they left and what makes a relationship work in eye-opening book on modern relationships - Why Men Leave, http://www.whymenleave.com. Top psychologist,speaker, mediator,and author offers unique guidelines and instructions. Contact at mailto: mailto:topspeaker@yahoo.com. Get free ezine and articles http://www.brendashoshanna.com/ Go to: http://www.whymenleave to get your copy right now.
Posted in Get an ex back | 
Tags: dating, divorce, family, love, marriage, marriage counseling, men, Parenting, Relationship Addictions, Relationship Recovery, Relationships. Psychology, Separation, sex, Therapy | 
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Healthy Relationship, Healthy Self: Build a Stronger Connection Through Self-intimacy
Author: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.
Intimacy is all about connection--the feeling that you and your partner are kindred spirits. The hallmark of a healthy marriage or relationship is feeling close and attuned to your partner, but maintaining this connection isn't always easy. Therefore, finding ways to enhance intimacy is a priority for all couples.
Self-intimacy: A prerequisite to interpersonal intimacy
You are probably in many different relationships: with acquaintances, friends, family, coworkers, to name a few. When you think about the relationships in your life, does your relationship with yourself ever come to mind? Probably not, yet this relationship is central to all of your other relationships.
Self-intimacy is the experience of feeling connected to all of yourself--the parts of yourself you naturally embrace as well as the parts you wish didn't exist. This connection allows you to feel grounded--giving you an emotional center that anchors your experiences. This anchor has an important place in your relationship.
To get a better understanding of your relationship with yourself, reflect on the following questions: "How do I feel about myself? What do I like about myself? Dislike? Hate? Which parts of myself do I find easy to accept? Which parts make me feel uneasy or conflicted?" Your answers to these questions reflect the type of intimate relationship you have with yourself.
Self-Estrangement: A block to interpersonal intimacy
Unfortunately, you may not have access to important parts of yourself. Why? Because you can dislike a part (or parts) of yourself so intensely that you deny its existence. Your denial doesn't mean, however, that these parts do not surface in your relationship--they usually seek expression. When you ignore parts of yourself, you've left the realm of self-intimacy (a connection to yourself) and have entered the world of self-estrangement (a disconnection from yourself).
At one time or another we've all denied certain truths about ourselves, maybe with little consequence--truths that would make us feel vulnerable or ashamed, desperate or inadequate. However, when you're in a relationship, the consequences of self-estrangement are always significant. Why? Because you can never fully hide from your spouse or partner.
When self-intimacy is the norm, you'll be fully present and emotionally available to your partner. When self-estrangement rules your inner world, you will remain disconnected from yourself and your partner. Your relationship is robbed of intimacy whenever you close off aspects of yourself to your partner.
Self-estrangement in action:
The husband who cannot be vulnerable with his wife is self-estranged--he denies his vulnerable self. A wife who minimizes her outbursts is self-estranged--she denies her anger. The girlfriend who ignores her jealousy is self-estranged--she denies her insecurities.
For the last ten years, Chris has worked almost nonstop to become a successful attorney. His driven nature has served him well professionally and he recently made partner at his New York City law firm. To his dismay, Chris's work-related success has always eluded him in his personal relationships.
Chris complains that he often feels distant in his marriage, despite his wife Kendra's encouragement to be more open and share his feelings. Chris is estranged from any emotions that make him feel "weak" or vulnerable. It's his inability to connect with these parts of himself that continues to block intimacy in his marriage.
Chris's first step in breaking out of this self-estrangement pattern is to honestly assess his relationship with himself--in particular, the parts of himself that he wished didn't exist.
Are you ready to assess yourself?
Rate yourself and your relationship intimacy:
Using a scale from one (no intimacy) to ten (very satisfying levels of intimacy), rate the intimacy in your marriage or relationship.
If your rating is relatively high (8 or higher), than you probably don't struggle with self-estrangement. If your rating is relatively low (4 or lower), self-estrangement may be standing in the way of a deeper connection with your partner.
To help determine the impact that your level of self-intimacy has on your marriage or relationship, now rate yourself on the self-intimacy/self-estrangement continuum below:
Self-Intimacy-----------------------------------------------------Self-Estrangement
Pick a spot on this continuum that reflects how connected (or disconnected) you feel to yourself. Try to think about how self-connected you feel in general, since this may shift for you, depending on circumstances. If the spot you choose is closer to the self-intimacy end of the continuum, this means you feel grounded and are able to share yourself fully with your partner; if your spot is closer to the self-estrangement end, you feel disconnected and are unable to share yourself fully with your partner.
Rating yourself can feel a little daunting, so give yourself enough time to adequately reflect on these issues. If it does feel like self-estrangement is holding you (and your relationship) back from achieving the intimacy you desire, speak with someone who can give you support around this issue (your partner, a trusted friend or family member, a counselor). You've already taken an important step by assessing your level of self-intimacy.
Are you ready to build a stronger, more intimate relationship?
To receive FREE monthly tips on how to build the relationship of your dreams, visit http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up for Dr. Nicastro's Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.
As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports: "The four mindsets that can topple your relationship" and "Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you."
Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/healthy-relationship-healthy-self-build-a-stronger-connection-through-selfintimacy-357973.html
About the Author
Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a relationship coach and psychologist who is passionate about helping couples protect the sanctuary of their relationship. Rich is cofounder of LifeTalk Coaching, an Internet-based coaching business that helps couples strengthen their relationships.
Posted in Get an ex back |
Tags: intimacy, Love Relationships, marriage, marriage advice, marriage help, relationship, relationship advice, Relationship Help |
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Why Women Ruin Relationships By Talking Too Much
Author: Deborrah Cooper
Woman complain frequently about male/female communication. "Men don't communicate" these ladies say in frustration. Women complain that men give one-word answers, don't elaborate and tell the entire story in a play by play fashion, and that it feelings like "pulling teeth" to get information out of them.
Being Like A Man Is Not Always A Bad Thing!
Women operate on a different dynamic and love to share their feelings, experiences and thoughts with others. I think this female style of communication is a way that bonds us and brings us closer to others. Which means this communication style is fine with other women when we get together and talk about family and work. But it is absolutely positively the wrong way to communicate with your romantic partner when it comes to the sexual pleasures you've enjoyed before he came on the scene!
Are All The Mysterious Women Dead?
"She possesses an air of mystery." Sadly, that trait is one many women have completely abandoned. In their quest to "be honest" women feel it necessary need to tell their man every thought that passes through their head, and every single thing they've ever done in this life and those previous. In other words, women blab and share wayyyy too much information.
Guys avoid those types of disclosure like the plague. Their thinking is if you haven't asked a specific question, it isn't important enough to bring up, and it's probably not in their best interest to do so.
Men want things in their relationships to be smooth and easy and pleasant. Smart men know that telling their new woman how great their ex was in bed is not something she needs to know. They know women aren't happy hearing that type of news, and there will be some serious unpleasant moments that follow the delivery! Men are smart enough to know that a female coworker's breast augmentation and how much hotter she looks now is not something their woman needs to know either. Women should adopt a similar policy.
Keep The Past Where It Belongs... In The Past!
Recently a letter came into my advice column from a 35 year old woman that had been introduced by her Mom to a nice physician, formerly from her neighborhood. Though he seemed to be somewhat of a braggart, the two got along well and things looked like they were going someplace.
One day he mentioned that he was going to get a haircut in the old neighborhood, and she volunteered that she had gone out to dinner a few times with the owner of that same barbershop. No relationship, nothing sexual, just out to dinner twice.
After this revelation the young Dr. went to the barber and inquired about his interaction with the woman in question. The barber embellished the interaction and represented the relationship as more than it had been, much to the young doctor's chagrin. Feeling that his reputation would be at risk from this association, he immediately broke off the budding relationship.
Why?
He knows how men are. He knew that the other men in the shop would be trading jokes and stories about sexual activities with his new girl, and that he didn't want to endure the subsequent embarrassment.
Why did this young woman not keep her mouth closed? What benefit did she think would be gained by bringing up ancient history? Why talk about something that involved just a couple of dates that took place years ago and led to nothing?
The boyish competitiveness and desire to bring a man with higher social standing and more money down a peg or two is what was behind this little drama.
Understanding men's egos, the dynamic under which men compete and the manner in which men judge women's suitability as a steady girlfriend and/or wife should be enough impetus to keep your lips closed.
However, if you plan to marry, full disclosure should be expected by your fiancee and provided on about matters vital to the marriage. Openness on subjects such as debts, health concerns, child support and visitation, and income are mandatory, but that is really all that is needed.
In conclusion, think before you open your mouth and "share" information with your man that he won't be able to handle. Blabbing every detail about your past interactions with other men will do nothing positive for your new relationship. Every woman past the age of 21 has a past of some sort. The men that come into your life need to accept the woman that you are, take you as you come and love you for exactly who and what you are right now.
Your past, with all your mistakes, challenges, and experiences together created the fascinating creature that he has fallen in love with. Your past should be something you keep to yourself and reflect on in old age with a enigmatic smile. It should be remembered and respected, but never trotted out for critical review and comment by every guy you date.
Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/advice-articles/why-women-ruin-relationships-by-talking-too-much-370906.html
About the Author
(c) 2008 Deborrah Cooper. Deborrah has authored dozens of relationship articles and advice columns on Ask HeartBeat!, which focuses on modern relationships for teens and adults. Her dating guide Sucka Free Love! provides street-smart, hilarious insight into the toughest issues facing singles today. Check out The Sucka Free Dating Radio Talk Show on Wednesday night at 8:00 pm PST.
Posted in Get an ex back |
Tags: dating, Engagement, love, male female communication, marriage, men, relationships, women |
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Do Opposites Attract? Compatibility and your Myers Briggs Personality Type
Author: Molly Owens
It's the classic story of the Odd Couple: she's the life of the party, while he gives any excuse to leave early. He's orderly and fastidious, while she leaves milk on the counter and clothes on the floor. He's logical, she's emotional; he's from Mars, she's from Venus. Much is made of the idea that opposites attract, and we all know at least one of these "odd couples" that makes a relationship work despite major differences. But is it true that opposites attract? And more importantly, what makes for the most successful relationship-a stimulating opposite or a comforting soulmate?
Many researchers have set out to answer this question. In order to classify their subjects' differences, compatibility researchers often use Myers-Briggs personality typing. The Myers Briggs Type Indicator is the most common personality inventory in the world, and provides an easy-to-understand basis for studies on compatibility. The Myers-Briggs theory asserts that our fundamental differences in thinking, making decisions, and organizing our lives can be understood by measuring our preferences in four key areas:
• Extraversion/Introversion: This scale refers to where you focus attention and get your energy. Extraverts are focused on the external world and other people, and are energized by external stimulation and interaction with others. Introverts are more focused on their internal world, thoughts, ideas, and feelings, and get energy from spending time in solitary activity or quiet reflection.
• Sensing/Intuition: This scale refers to how you prefer to take in information. Sensors gather information in a very concrete, detail-oriented, and factual way. They tend to be practical and oriented to the present moment. Intuitives tend to be more abstract in their perceptions, and tend to think more about meaning, connections, and possibilities. Intuitives are often more imaginative than realistic.
• Thinking/Feeling: This scale refers to how you prefer to make decisions. Thinkers prefer decisions that are based on facts or data, and like to reason things out logically. Feelers prefer decisions that are consistent with their values and help to build harmonious relationships.
• Judging/Perceiving: This scale refers to how you prefer to organize your life. Judgers tend to prefer structure, schedules, and plans. They like clear expectations and feel accomplishment from completing tasks. Perceivers prefer an open-ended, spontaneous and flexible existence. They enjoy feeling that their options are open and that there are many possibilities available.
When researchers have analyzed couples' satisfaction, the factors most associated with happy couples were those that we've heard all along: good communication, common values and interests, and the ability to work out disagreements calmly and openly. But when researchers Barbara Barron-Tieger and Paul Tieger studied the Myers-Briggs personality type of several hundred couples, they found that the more type preferences a couple had in common, the more satisfied they were with their communication. While opposites may attract, it seems to be easier to maintain a relationship with someone who is similar to yourself.
However, this does not mean that you must find your exact type in order to build a good relationship. In fact, the most common pairing is between two people with just two type preferences in common (for instance, ISTP with ESTJ). Researchers have also found that some type preferences are more important than others when determining compatibility, and that some types are especially likely to clash.
In a 1981 study, researcher Ruth Sherman found that differences on the Extraversion/Introversion scale caused the most conflict in long-term relationships. In particular, combinations of Extraverted women with Introverted men caused frustration, perhaps because this dynamic goes against our traditional concept of the man being the more expressive and dominant partner. However, this effect was found in a study that is over 20 years old. As we become more progressive in our relationships and more open to equality, differences in this preference area may become less important.
The Sensing/Intuition scale seems to play a key role in attraction. Studies by Isabel Briggs Myers and others have found that people tend to be drawn to partners who share their preference on this scale. When couples have a Sensing or Intuitive preference in common, they will tend to view the world in a fundamentally similar way. Couples with the same preference on this scale may find it easier to understand each other, and are more likely to feel they are speaking the same language.
While similarity on the Sensing/Intuition scale may determine attraction, long-term compatibility appears to be much more complicated. The last three scales-S/N, T/F, and J/P-play a complex role in determining compatibility. These scales have a fundamental effect on the way we communicate and prioritize our lives, and so have the potential to cause misunderstandings, miscommunication, and opposing goals in relationships where preference differences exist.
When researchers Tieger and Barron-Tieger examined couples on the S/N, T/F, and J/P scales, they found that, in general, more similar couples experienced a higher rate of satisfaction with their partner. However, there were some combinations that worked well despite having fewer preferences in common, and some pairings of similar partners that weren't quite so successful. Some examples:
• Sensing Judgers (ESTJ, ESFJ, ISTJ, ISFJ) have a satisfaction rate of 79% when paired with other Sensing Judgers. These types tend to be traditionalists who value and honor their commitments.
• Intuitive Feelers (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ) have a satisfaction rate of 73% when paired with each other. Intuitive Feelers tend to place a high value on relationships and are the most likely of all the types to devote themselves to healthy relationships and open communication.
• Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving types (INFP and ENFP) had a satisfaction rate of only 42% when they were paired with Sensing, Thinking, Judging types (ESTJ and ISTJ), although this was one of the more common pairings among the couples studied. The NFP partner is likely to feel that their partner is conservative and stifling, while the STJ partner may find their partner unpredictable and unreliable.
• When partners have a Feeling preference in common, this can compensate for differences in other areas, perhaps due to Feelers' inclination to spend more time and energy on their relationships in general. Specifically, Sensing, Feeling Judgers (ESFJ and ISFJ) reported an 86% satisfaction rate when paired with Intuitive, Feeling Perceivers (ENFP and INFP). They had a 67% satisfaction rate when coupled with Intuitive, Feeling Judgers (ENFJ and INFJ).
• In some cases, having similar type preferences did not mean higher satisfaction. Sensing, Thinking and Perceiving types (ISTP and ESTP) had only a 33% satisfaction rate when paired with other STPs. The researchers theorized that this is due to their findings that ESTPs and ISTPs are the least concerned of all the types with the quality of their relationships.
• Similarly, Intuitive Thinking types (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ) have only a 59% satisfaction rate when paired with another Intuitive Thinker. These types tend to be among the most critical of their partners and may be harder to please in general.
Additional research, led by Nancy Marioles, PhD. at St. Mary's University, provides important data on marriage patterns among the types.
• Some types are more likely to marry a person of their exact same type; this includes male INFPs, INFJs and INTPs and female ENFJs and INFJs.
• There are two combinations where opposites seem to attract: ESTJ men with INFP women, and ESTP men with INFJ women. However, this may be due in part to the fact that these two types of men are also the most likely to be married multiple times.
• Some types showed greater partner dissatisfaction in general. Women married to INTP men had the highest level of dissatisfaction, at 31%. INTP is one of the least common types in the population, and INTPs may find it especially important to find a like-minded partner.
We can see that overall, couples find more satisfaction when paired with a similar partner. However, researchers stress that in all of their findings, communication, common interests, and the quality of the couple's friendship were the most crucial factors in determining relationship success. While it may be easier to achieve these goals with a partner who is similar to you, it is absolutely possible even when significant differences exist. When couples make an effort to understand and appreciate their differences, they can turn what might be a problem or source of conflict into an asset for their partnership.
Couples with personality differences who find ways to support and understand each other often find their relationships especially rewarding. Partners with type differences are able to stimulate and challenge each other, and will learn from each other in a way that similar partners cannot. They can also make more effective teams because they are able to notice and compensate for each other's blind spots. Recognizing how your partner is thinking and appreciating the value of his or her perspective, whether or not it agrees with yours, is crucial to a successful relationship.
While compatibility research can be interesting and informative, it is important to remember that every relationship is individual, and every couple can learn better communication skills. When it comes to relationship satisfaction, the big three factors-communication, trust, and respect-can be achieved by any type combination.
Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles/do-opposites-attract-compatibility-and-your-myers-briggs-personality-type-263482.html
About the Author
Molly Owens holds a B.A in Psychology and has completed graduate work in counseling. She founded PersonalityDesk to provide Myers Briggs personality tests and career tests online. Learn how to take the Myers Briggs Type Indicator test online at PersonalityDesk.com.
Posted in Get an ex back |
Tags: communication, Compatibility, marriage, Myers Briggs, Personality Types, relationships |
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How to Stop Fighting With your Partner Today
Author: Mailcucan
It's fair to say that most people avoid contact whenever they are faced with it especially in a relationship. Conflict and arguments make us feel weak and can cause us to feel badly about ourselves and our lives. If you find that you and your partner are constantly fighting, and you don't know what you do about it, maybe these tips will be able to help.
What are you fighting for?
There may be times when it seems like you're fighting about everything from the litter box to the bills, the way someone snores to how they put the towel on the floor after a shower. But what you might want to start to recognize is that not all fights are actually about anything important at all they're merely symbols of something larger. And it's that larger thing that you need to tackle in order to stop the fighting and arguing.
But how do you get to this larger issue? First of all, there are many psychological techniques that can help you, so there's no need to become frustrated before you even start. Some couples are able to sit down and talk about what frustrates them, but for those that can not, writing is an amazingly effective way to get your feelings out. What you can do is simply take five minutes to write until you run out of things to say. While you might not think that you can write for that long, you'll be surprised what happens once you get started. This free writing exercise allows your mind to switch off and allows the censors to be quiet so that you can release your real feelings about what is happening in your relationship.
Every day help
You may also want to try this exercise every morning when you first wake up. By writing down everything that is on your mind, you will keep it from becoming too 'full' and confused. Many people find that this exercise not only allows them to be calmer in their relationship, but that they can also find solutions to ongoing problems that come up. This is a long term tool that works for many couples.
Right now
If you want to diffuse your fighting today, you can do several things. First of all, it helps to step outside of your anger and your frustration by realizing what is really happening. Talk about the 'source' of your fighting as though it were happening to someone else. This might mean that you start to refer to each other in the third person (he or she) in order to fully separate yourself from the emotions that are occurring. You might also want to start talking in hushed tones to calm down your body physically so that your mind responds as well. It's hard to be upset when you're talking softly.
What are you getting out of fighting?
Another thing that you will want to consider is whether or not you're rewarding the other person for fighting with you, or if they are rewarding you. We only do things that bring us some sort of satisfaction, so what is the reward of all of your fighting? Think about what happens immediately after a fight. Do you head to the bedroom as a sort of reward for the fight being over? Do you talk lovingly to each other or go out and reward your selves in some other manner?
When you start to realize that pattern of your fighting, you might start to see that you are actually allowing it to continue to happen. Instead of making it something that isn't good for your relationship, you're creating the connection that if you fight, you will get something in return. To effectively stop the fighting and start uncovering what the source is, you need to stop rewarding the fighting itself. After a fight, you shouldn't do anything that makes it rewarding. Sit with each other, but try not to create any sort of reward unless you actually work through the problem that you have fought about.
Fighting isn't something that you can entirely avoid, but it is a signal that you should look more closely at your relationship and how you are managing it. By taking the time to write out your feelings and then discussing problems calmly, you won't have to start yelling in order to feel heard.
Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles/how-to-stop-fighting-with-your-partner-today-67154.html
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Healthy Relationship Program: Set Goals and Transform your Relationship
Author: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.
Imagine your life without goals. That’s right: pretend you just wiped away every single goal imaginable—from the mundane sort like getting out of bed and brushing your teeth to the bigger variety, like making partner at the firm. I bet you can’t imagine it. Because without goals (the ones you consciously name and the ones you just carry out), our lives might feel like unstructured, amorphous stretches of time. Setting goals can direct, energize and motivate you. And meeting your goals is a tremendously rewarding experience.
Take a moment to jot down three goals that are important to you—things you want to achieve in your life.
Then think about which aspects of your life are most important to you—what you cherish most in life.
If you’re anything like the people I recently surveyed, then your goals include things like: making more money while working less, exercising more and losing weight (and keeping it off) and getting out of debt. Money and health topped the goal-setting list.
Then I asked these same individuals for a different type of list—a list of what they cherish most in life. Almost all discussed their relationship with their spouse or life partner. People and relationships topped the what’s-most-important-to-you list.
Relationship Goals are MIA:
Here’s what I find remarkable. The people I surveyed didn’t have any goals for what they cherish most in life—their relationship or marriage. When it comes to goal-setting, marriage is left at the curb. There’s a dangerous assumption lurking that a good relationship will take care of itself. The frequency of failed relationships tells us this assumption is dead wrong.
Your Relationship Roadmap: Create a vision
In order to create relationship goals, it’s important to have a vision that details the kind of spouse or partner you aspire to be as well as the type of relationship that is important to you and your partner—this picture should be consistent with your personal values. When your goals are out of sync with your values, you’ll find yourself stalled on the road to your relationship destination.
A set of relationship goals is a roadmap that lends direction to your relationship. If your relationship already meets your vision, then working to keep the relationship at this level can be your goal.
An exercise to help you create relationship goals:
Imagine that your partner has been hired to teach a class about you at UCLA. The syllabus is a written testament to the type of spouse or partner you’ve been throughout the history of your relationship. Not holding anything back, s/he will detail your strengths and weaknesses as a partner. The entire truth (as your partner sees it) will be unfurled for an eager audience motivated to learn all about you.
What do you imagine s/he will say about you?
Respond to this question as honestly as possible. If you find yourself resisting this exercise or focusing more on what you’d like your partner to say, you won’t establish any meaningful goals. Remember, this exercise is designed to help you take a realistic look at yourself as a partner, a necessary step in creating goals that will make a difference in your relationship or marriage. You will need to open yourself up to some truths that may sting. Take my word—it will be well worth it.
There’s relationship gold to be found in the gap:
There will be a gap between what you’d like your partner to convey in his/her lecture and what s/he would actually say. This gap contains valuable information that you’ll use to set up relationship goals. Keep in mind that establishing and reaching relationship goals means committing to changing your behavior. The focus should be on you and not what you believe your partner should do differently.
The guiding question is: How wide is this gap and what can you do to narrow it?
When you begin to take steps to answer this question, you start accumulating the information you need to create your relationship goals. Don’t rush this—it should be a process that you come back to over and over again.
Ready to discover more about relationship goal-setting and other practical ways to improve your relationship?
Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/healthy-relationship-program-set-goals-and-transform-your-relationship-208066.html
About the Author
Find out how to create the relationship of your dreams: Sign up for the free Relationship Toolbox Newsletter at http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and immediately receive two FREE reports that will help you achieve your relationship potential.
Rich Nicastro, Ph.D. is a relationship coach who is passionate about helping couples protect the sanctuary of their relationship.
Posted in Get an ex back |
Tags: Coaching, communication, Goal-setting, intimacy, marriage, relationship, relationship advice, Relationship Coaching |
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Romance in Words: Quotes of Love
Author: Paul Turner
So, when is the last time you saw a book claiming to be full of romance and love quotes? They aren't hard to find, and it's for a simple reason: there have been countless memorable romance quotes uttered and written throughout the centuries, and the greatest, most famous love quotes are often recorded and repeated for years and years. There's just something about romance that make couples feel good about themselves and their relationships.
But what if I told you that all of those famous romance quotes you find in books and on the Internet really aren't the greatest or most romantic words at all? While it's fine to look at history for inspiration from the most quoted words of romance, in fact the most consequential romantic love quotes are the ones that you and your lover say to each other on a daily basis. I know, I know: sometimes it seems like the daily things you do and say in the course of your relationship are extremely mundane and run-of-the-mill. But believe me, the inspiration for famous romantic movies and novels is found in equally commonplace relationships!
It really doesn't matter if the romantic words you say to each other in your relationship are the kind of poetic quality as the love quotes in romance novels or on the big screen. Literature and movie scripts often overdo things, and if you said some of the love quotes from Shakespear to your sweetheart, it would probably get you some pretty strange looks. What really matters is if you make sure your feelings and respect for your lover are made apparent every day in the words you speak to them.
Even if your most romantic love quotes don't go beyond "I love you," those three words hold more significance to you and your sweetheart than all of the romance novels and movies in the world. What matters is not the actual love quotes that you use, but rather the romantic sentiments, feelings and actions that are behind them. How you show your romance is far more significant to your relationship than the words you use to communicate those feelings.
The next time you read a romance novel or watch a romance movie, don't get jealous or feel inadequate when you hear amazing love quotes from the characters. Those lovers are not real people, but you and your significant other are. The love quotes you utter to each other are far more important to your relationship. Don't judge your own romance by what other couple on the screen or in books say to each other; instead, judge the success of your relationship be how happy you and your sweetheart really are!
Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/dating-articles/romance-in-words-quotes-of-love-360462.html
About the Author
Romance Tracker is a website dedicated to showcasing old-fashioned romance in modern relationships.
Family and the Future of Love Relationships
Author: Sarah McCrum
If you look at the average 20 year old, the chances that they have had any real education about relationships and love are pretty slim. Growing up as kids, they probably learned a little biology about the male and female body; they've possibly read some love poetry by Shakespeare or some other great author; they've usually watched their parents relationship going through some significant ups and downs with little explanation about what's going on. But in terms of understanding themselves and their needs and requirements for love and relationship the average 20 year old is pretty unprepared for the real world.
The main thing parents have the power to change in this area is to become more honest with children about relationships while they are still living at home. With marriage ending in divorce at the rate of about 50%, it is unfair to teach children that every relationship is supposed to last forever. It is not true that when you fall in love with somebody - or find the right person - you will live happily ever after. Having babies is not the be-all and end-all of relationships and cannot save an unhappy marriage. The form and function of the modern family has changed and children are not responsible for their parents getting divorced (many of them feel they are).
Many parents want to hide what goes on in their relationship from their children in the desperate hope that their children will do better than they have done. But it doesn't work like that! It never has.
If you want to see your children have better relationships than you it is necessary to start by helping them learn more about the reality of love and relationship. You need to talk with them about how and why relationships work (and don't work). Make a commitment to being more honest about your own mistakes. You also need to realize that your children know far more than you may sometimes think. When you try to hide the truth it is only confusing to them - their senses tell them one thing while your words say something quite different.
This doesn't mean you need to spill all the blood and guts to young children and disturb them. They don't need to know all the ups and downs in your relationship. But it does mean that you need to start to help your children have realistic expectations about relationships, and this includes the fact that every family relationship has problems. Kids need and want to learn how to face up to problems and solve them rather than run away or hide from them.
If you feel afraid of being honest with your kids about relationships, you are not alone. The majority of parents mistakenly feel that kids need to be protected from the truth because it is often painful or disappointing. But they may not be aware that children see and feel what is going on despite all the things that are covered up or lied about. And to a child, that dishonesty is more painful than the truth. To top it all off, that dishonesty becomes their pattern for their future relationships.
On a more positive note, children can handle much more than we realize if they are treated openly and with respect. Kids who grow up with a more realistic picture of love, relationships and family living are much better prepared for life than those who are kept in ignorance and then are left to make the same mistakes as their parents.
Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/parenting-articles/family-and-the-future-of-love-relationships-598408.html
About the Author
Sarah McCrum MA, PGCE, Dip LC, is Director for the Academy of Potential Education located in New Zealand and London. The Academy’s main focus is to “prepare people for the future”, using an approach that assist students of the Academy’s programs to develop the skills to overcome any problem and achieve any life goal. Results for the Academy of Potential Education programs have been very positive. Results can be downloaded here: http://potentialeducation.org/research.html
sarah@potentialeducation.org
http://www.potentialeducation.org
Posted in Get an ex back |
Tags: Children, divorce, Education, family, Future, home, Kids, love, marriage, Parents, relationships |
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How to Keep Your Long-distance Relationship Going Strong
Author: Oleg Potemkin
You met someone great and you are in a serious dating relationship, but you live in a different city or town. Or perhaps you are married and have recently taken on a job that requires you to travel and you frequently stay overnight away from home.
How do you keep the romance in your long-distance relationship? How do you remain a ‘couple’ when you are often away from each other?
It takes some effort, but with a little forethought and dedication, you can keep the romance in your relationship while you are away.
AND…you can ensure that your ‘special someone’ will look forward to your return and welcome you with open arms!
If you are going on a trip and want to leave something for your partner to find, you can plan ahead and drop an item or a ‘care package’ on the bed or in the kitchen before you leave. If you’d rather ‘send’ something from afar, you can do that too.
Be creative and you can come up with a lot of ideas on your own.
You can buy these items in advance and prepare the package to be mailed later, and then tuck the package(s) in your suitcase, OR you can buy the items on the road and mail the package back when you feel your partner needs a pick-me-up.
These packages don't have to be expensive or elaborate. It is the THOUGHT that counts.
Be sure you wrap fragile items well so they don't arrive broken, and be sure to put enough postage on the package so it doesn't get returned to you!
Here are some things to consider:
Write a short note for every day or for special dates, you will be gone, and place each note in an envelope. Write the date you want your partner to open the note on the front of each envelope.
If you know your husband has to make a big presentation at work on a certain day, write a note to boost his confidence and tell him you believe in him and label the note for him to open on that date.
You can mail the package with all the notes in it and your partner will look forward to opening each note while you are away!
Make or buy a calendar and write notes on the calendar for each day or for special days. Your partner can hang the calendar at home or in the office and she will be reminded that you are thinking of her every time she reads a note you've written.
Handmade, silly calendars with art work and drawings, or with pasted or taped pictures of you, or of ‘special places’ you’ve gone together are especially effective!
Even if you aren't a master artist of photographer, your partner will love the thought!
Include a personal item in the package (an earring, a comb, a cufflink or something that belongs to you. If it is part of a pair, and you keep the other part with you, the thought is even more romantic).
Include a non-perishable edible item (like a lollipop, or perhaps a small bag of trail mix if your spouse uses that for energy while biking or walking his exercise trail)
Make a CD of a song or songs you both love and send a copy with a romantic title or note.
Cut words or phrases out of the on board airline magazine and tape or glue them on the hotel stationary to make a funny or sweet love letter ‘from the road’.
Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles/how-to-keep-your-longdistance-relationship-going-strong-346829.html
About the Author
Oleg Potemkin is a Founder of Custom
Love Songs - an Amazing & Unique Gift Of Love for Wedding, Engagement, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Graduation and other special occasions.
Posted in Get an ex back |
Tags: advice, dating, How To, long distance, love, marriage, relationship, romance, romantic, Tips, wedding |
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