How Do I Fix My Marriage After an Emotional Affair?

Author: Jazmine Young

Obviously going through an emotional affair in your marriage can be very tough. Just facing the fact that your spouse has broken the sacred vows of your marriage can cause major trust problems.

This is a really painful subject to deal with it and it will only get worse if nothing is done about it. Obviously you have probably tried to talk about it but it seems to get nowhere.

Trust isn't something that you can get back just like that. You have to know how to go about it in order to gain full trust back from the hurt spouse. Obviously you know that without trust there is no marriage or relationship. The last thing you want to deal with is to end up in divorce court dealing with money hungry lawyers and biased judges.

Nothing is ever fair for both you and your spouse when you step into the court because you both stand a chance to lose everything you two have worked so hard to achieve in just the blink of an eye. Answer this question...Is your marriage really that important to you?

Would you like to rekindle the love that you had once had in your marriage with your spouse? All these things are possible if you knew the right methods to go about fixing your marriage. Why hasn't marriage counseling really worked for you so far?

You'll be surprised to know that those marriage counselors that you have been going to are only effective at solving most marital problems about 20% of the time.

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles/how-do-i-fix-my-marriage-after-an-emotional-affair-1424996.html

About the Author

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Surprising Reasons Why Men Leave (and How to Handle It)

Author: Brenda Shoshanna

After a relationship ends, whether it’s a 20 year marriage or a promising romance, women ask themselves over and over, what went wrong? They ask themselves, their girlfriends and their therapists. Sometimes they even spend weeks and months blaming themselves and become afraid to try again. Once they know what really happened, it’s always easier to move on.

Below are some top reasons men leave and some guidelines on how to handle this.

They’re Waiting For The Perfect Partner

Some men have a secret fantasy which whispers that a perfect partner is somewhere, around the corner, waiting for him. This perfect partner will not only accept him as he is fully, but he’ll finally be able to express the parts of himself that are hidden. She’ll bring out the best in him. Rather than criticize and make demands, the perfect partner will give unconditionally and fulfill his every need. This fantasy should not be discounted, as it fuels much of this man's inner life. When a woman understands this fantasy fully, she has a secret for helping the man really thrive.

They Hear A Call To Adventure

As soon as some men see a relationship as stifling his basic need for adventure, he can feel himself to be trapped in a prison without bars. Many men then blame the relationship for the dilemma he is in. They do not realize that their true need is to find adventure in the relationship. A woman who does best in this kind of relationship is one who provides challenge.

They Suffer From A Fear Of Commitment

The fear of commitment is widely misunderstood. Commitment is inevitable when a man is living from the truth of who he is. When a man, however, is in a relationship out of obligation, guilt, on or to fulfill a false sense of self-esteem, no real commitment is possible. If he’s not committing, it’s because he doesn’t feel things are right for him.

They Fear That They Can’t Satisfy The Woman

There are some women who can never be satisfied no matter how much a man gives or tries to please. Some men become tied up in knots in these relationships and start to feel terrible about themselves. No matter how hard they try, they can’t get the approval they are hungry for. Some just live for those rare moments when they are acknowledged and thanked.

He’s Acting Out The Repetition Compulsion

The Repetition Compulsion is the unconscious compulsion to repeat a painful situation or relationship over and over, in the hopes it will turn out differently this time. Usually each time is worse, brings more pain and disappointment. Even in the rare instances when the person gets what he wants, the original hunger does not subside. The only solution to this compulsion is to go back to the original trauma, face it fully and work it out.

He’s Involved With The Ghost Of A Past Relationship

These Ghosts are memories, dreams and longings that linger from past relationships, which have been finished but are not over. A man can hold onto the memory of a former wife or lover and idealize her to such an extent, it prevents him from being available to anyone in the present. These memories can also become projected on the current relationship. These men must learn to say forgive the past, say good-bye, and develop the courage to love again.

Here are some Touchstones, (guidelines) for both women and men to help understand relationships better and behave in a way that is helpful for all.

Touchstones For Women

- Realize the turbulence a man goes through often has nothing to do with you - and cannot be avoided.

- Give him space to discover himself, without guilt. His changes do not mean he does not love you. Allow him to be all that he is. Acceptance is love.

- Get busy becoming all the person you can be too. There is nothing worse for a relationship than a man feeling you are clinging to him for your life.

Touchstones For Men

- Restlessness and painful feelings come so you can understand yourself better. Don’t blame them on the relationship. This is not a time to run away, but stay put and understands what is going on inside.

- While you are unsettled and confused is not the best time to act. Choices made during this time are often ruled by feelings and needs from the past.

- Make sure you help the woman realize what you are going through. Do not blame her for it. Be patient with her and yourself.

- Understand that craving other women can become an addiction and escape from intimacy, bringing only more pain and repetition in its wake.

Cc/Dr Brenda Shoshanna/2007

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles/surprising-reasons-why-men-leave-and-how-to-handle-it-243912.html

About the Author

Hear men tell you in their own words why they left and what makes a relationship work in eye-opening book on modern relationships - Why Men Leave, http://www.whymenleave.com. Top psychologist,speaker, mediator,and author offers unique guidelines and instructions. Contact at mailto: mailto:topspeaker@yahoo.com. Get free ezine and articles http://www.brendashoshanna.com/ Go to: http://www.whymenleave to get your copy right now.

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Do You Wish For A More Satisfying And Fulfilling Marriage Relationship?

Author: Calle Zorro

What value, benefit, and blessing does your spouse gain from being with you?

What is it that you bring to your spouse that really augments, enhances, and improves their life?

What do you offer your spouse that is significant and meaningful to them?

What about the other way around...

What value, benefit, and blessing do you gain from being with your spouse?

How does your spouse augment, enhance, and improve your life?

What does your spouse share with you that's significant and meaningful to you?

Sadly, for too many people, their marriage relationship is really nothing more than a "boarding arrangement"...two humans helping each other survive...two people pooling their resources and splitting costs...two friends helping each other with chores and responsibilities...two roommates filling in or standing in for each other when needed.

And, while it is good to have someone standing with you in this manner, it is not enough to satisfy and fulfill a person. If it was, people would just continue living with their brothers and sisters or they would continue to "dorm" with their guy friends or gal friends.

But, it is not enough...people want more...they thought they were getting more when they married...and too often, they end up with nothing more...sometimes even less...than what they had before they married.

How and why does this happen more often than not?

It happens BECAUSE of how each person RELATES to the other. Too frequently, the way people RELATE is based on:

1. Ignorance - primarily, this is a lack of understanding about the opposite sex but it can also be other forms of ignorance such as poor people skills.

2. Selfishness - where a person cares only about their self and their interests, projects, and happiness.

3. Insecurity - fear that causes a person to shut-down and close-up which distances them from their companion.

4. Entitlement - the belief that my spouse should just give me whatever I want with little to no effort or contribution on my part.

5. Laziness - the knowledge that one should and could relate to their spouse in a better way but lacking the desire or motivation to do so.

Without fail, these kinds of RELATING will assuredly drain the very life out of a relationship...draining it of respect, appreciation, attraction, honor, adventure, passion, and fun...leaving people in the "boarding arrangement" that is so unfulfilling and unsatisfying to them.

Soon, bitterness, resentment, and anger begin to build because people feel stuck and trapped. They have children and other long-term obligations and responsibilities that ethically and morally "locks" them into their "boarding arrangement".

But, how come so many people can't seem to fix their marriage relationship?

They can't because they are so actively engaged in pride, ego, stubbornness, resentment, anger, bitterness, hatred, and other negative-emotions that it's easier for them to either distance themselves from their spouse and "live" in an imaginary / pretend / fantasy world...or to step out and seek affection, intimacy, sex, fun, and adventure with an outside person.

What many people don't realize is that there are easy ways to "save face" and let go of pride, ego, and negative-emotions so that a person can do the "right thing" and create the happy, satisfying, fulfilling marriage relationship of their dreams with the spouse they already have.

Having said that, some people don't want to have the relationship of their dreams with their current spouse. They WANT it to be ANOTHER person. Well, that's the pride, ego, and negative-emotions that's driving that kind of response. And, here's what such a person should know: your unhappiness is INSIDE of you and will REMAIN WITH YOU...no matter who the other person in your life is. Your unhappiness will continue wreaking havoc in YOUR life UNTIL you learn how to rise above pride, ego, and negative-emotions.

Actually, your situation will only get worse for you because each new person you move to will only ADD TO the unhappiness that's inside of you.

So, a person must learn to conquer the pride, ego, and negative emotions that block them from the satisfying, fulfilling marriage they so want...they must learn how to relate with their spouse in a way that produces the marriage satisfaction and fulfillment they so strongly desire...they must get the deep-level insight into their spouse...such that with this knowledge (versus ignorance) their marriage relationship is forevermore more satisfying and fulfilling.

Copyright 2010, Article by Calle Zorro of HusbandWifeHelp.com

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/do-you-wish-for-a-more-satisfying-and-fulfilling-marriage-relationship-2165796.html

About the Author

Would you like to zap away everything that's unhappy and unpleasant from your marriage?  Would you like to start afresh and anew...remaking your marriage into the wonderful relationship it's supposed to be?  Would you like to get the marriage you thought you were getting when you first got married?  Whether you need a marriage tune-up, a marriage makeover, or a marriage miracle, and especially, if you've sought marriage counseling or marriage help before and it didn't work, go here:  www.HusbandWifeHelp.com

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Relationship Coach Example of How One Partner Can Help Both

Author: Jack Ito

If your partner is distant, cold, and rejecting, how could working on the relationship by yourself possibly make a difference? In this real life example from a relationship coach, we can see one way it could.

Many people have either wounds from the past that continue to hurt or they have areas of their life that are screaming for attention. It could be a history of abuse, a need for friends, financial problems, career concerns, or any number of things.

When we find a partner while we still have such problems, it does help us to feel better. It's like having someone carry you while you have a thorn in your shoe. As long as your partner takes you to where you want to go and is constantly available for you, then all is well. But, if you have to stand on your own two feet--even for a little while, the pain becomes unbearable. Susan (not her real name) had just such a problem.

Susan had a history of social problems since Junior High School. She was never able to make close friends. She had had a couple of friends for a while, but those relationships had gone badly. When Susan met Erik, she believed that her loneliness was over. She thought that she and Erik would always be together. Whenever they were together, Susan no longer felt that loneliness that she had for many years. She felt loved and important.

After a while, though, Susan and Erik started having problems. Erik would sometimes like to do things with his friends without Susan. At those times, Susan would feel it was "unfair" because she had no friends of her own. She also felt that Erik was abandoning her. She saw his desire to spend time with his friends as an undeserved rejection of her. It made her angry and resentful. Yet, she was also afraid of losing Erik because then she would have no one.

Erik was also becoming resentful. He cared about Susan, but didn't want to give up the fun that he had with his friends. He was also feeling like Susan was demanding that he spend more and more time with her. Their relationship was not fun anymore. This made him withdraw from Susan. Susan experienced the withdrawal as more rejection and became even more demanding. Erik, then felt like withdrawing more. Even when he was with Susan, he didn't feel the same affection for her that he once did.

Even after Erik and Susan broke up, Susan continued to blame Erik and was angry with him long after he had moved on to someone else. She told herself that Erik had used her--at first only pretending to be interested in her and then later dumping her for his friends and for another woman.

Susan had had two chances to have a great relationship with Erik. The first was before they began their relationship. If Susan had worked with a relationship coach or counselor and learned to make friends, then she would not have been needy when she became involved with Erik. She wouldn't have felt desperate or rejected when he spent time with his friends. Erik would not have felt like he was being pressured to take care of her needs at his expense.

Susan had another chance to make her relationship with Erik better during her relationship with him. Susan had considered counseling, but because Erik would not also go, she gave up on it. She thought, how could Erik learn the error of his ways if he didn't attend counseling? Had she had relationship coaching she would have learned more about balancing her social needs by making some friends of her own. Even if Erik were at fault, having friends of her own would surely have made her less dependent and resentful. Erik also, would not have felt like withdrawing. Working on herself, Susan could have created a better relationship with Erik.

There were of course, things that Erik could have done to help the relationship. But, by taking no responsibility for her relationship problems, Susan also became responsible for their breakup. After Erik left her, she soon found another man whom she repeated the same pattern with.

Regardless of the cause of a relationship problem, positive change only needs to begin with one person. Realizing that and working with a relationship coach, you can have a major turnaround in your relationship. If you are waiting for your partner to go to counseling or to make a change, aren't you also the one who is keeping the relationship stuck? If there is anything that you could do to help your relationship, isn't it time to do it?

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/relationship-coach-example-of-how-one-partner-can-help-both-516403.html

About the Author

Jack Ito PhD is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach. For 14 years he has helped more than 1000 men and women to have better relationships.
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Maintaining a Passion-filled Marriage

Author: Rickie Smith

If you were to ask couples what's the best way for maintaining a passion-filled marriage it comes as no surprise to find that a lot them believe that passion alone is the answer. They seem not to understand the need to balance out the emotional aspect of a marriage with the physical aspect of it. You can't expect any spouse to have passion for his mate all the time, however, if couples focus on the way they feel about each other in general it will be much easier to maintain the passion.

Many people think of marriage as being a state where two people who fall in love, care about each other, and will live out their lives together until death do them part. This is the ideal situation of course but there are some marriages where the couple has gotten married for other reasons, and sometimes the wrong reasons. In these types of marriages there is often very little contact and sincere communication between the couple. This often results in a sexless marriage. The key to maintaining a passion-filled marriage is totally honest with each other. Most couples will find that the desire for sex will comes and go but in order to be successful they must consider the things that they do both in and out of the bedroom.

Men and women must accept the fact that relationships change over time as our children take center stage in our lives and daily household responsibilities overwhelm us. In many cases romance will give way to irritation and arguments. Here are some of the common reasons passion is lost in a marriage:

- couples stop listening to each other
- they begin acting like roommates instead of
lovers and partners
- each spouse complain about stress at work
and home instead of positive things
- couples stop seeing and commenting on what
they appreciate about their spouse
- One or the other has given up their
interests and passions so their lives become
all work and therefore no fun

When it comes to maintaining a passion-filled marriage, you will find that there are so many things that you can do to rekindle and maintain that passion. One of the things you can do is to set a date night where you take the time to pay attention to each other. The best way for a couple to turn a sexless marriage into a fulfilling marriage is to consistently work on ways to be alone with each other. During these times both spouses must learn to relax and leave the day's stresses behind.

Here are some other things each spouse can do to start turning things around:

- Remind yourself of why you fell in love and
married your mate
- Stop feeling the need to argue and defend
yourself
- Identify at least one thing a day to
complement your spouse on
- touch your spouse everyday...start with their
hand or back and shoulder
- bring the humor back into your relationship,
earn to laugh at yourself

Some marriage counselors will view differences in spouses as insurmountable, however, each partner in the marriage must believe that people and relationships can and do change for the better. Your marriage is worth working on and you must be willing to do everything that you can to maintain your passion-filled marriage. Keep your relationship open and honest so that you both can trust each other and lean on each other for support.

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/maintaining-a-passionfilled-marriage-362103.html

About the Author

For more information about Maintaining a Passion-Filled Marriage visit our comprehensive websites at "Preventing a Divorce, Saving and Maintaining a Marriage", "Romantic Ideas for Couples", or "Marriage Counseling"

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How To Save Relationships - Marriage Made Easy eBook

Author: Ella Burton

Would you like to know more information about how are you going to save one failing relationship because you just can't deny the fact that you are so in love with your partner and you still want to work things out? However, are you totally clueless about how can you bring the love back if the relationship is already getting worse each and every day? Saving the relationship from failing isn't easy at all, but if you really love the person you will do whatever it takes to make things okay again. Here are some tips on how to save relationships from failing:

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Tip # 1: Try Your Best To Work Things Out Together

If a relationship is already falling down the drain, what you can do to save it from everything that will only hurt the both of you in the end would be trying to work things out with your partner. Try to do everything that you can and try to reach out with your partner; you need to remember that it's important that you tell your partner what you can still both do to make the relationship even better and stronger, because it will really save your relationship from failing.

Tip # 2: Show Everything That You Can To Make Your Partner Feel That You Really Love Her/Him

How to save relationships is just one of the hundred questions people ask everyday especially those who are really having trouble about their love life. What you can actually do to make your partner feel that you are still willing to work things out between the both of you is to show your partner that you still love him/her and you are ready to do whatever it takes to work things out again. Doing this will really help you save your failing relationship.

Tip # 3: Attend A Marriage Counseling

When you feel that the both of you don't seem to work things right in the relationship anymore, it's recommended that you attend a marriage counseling together in order to get advices and tips from professional people who really help people who are going through the same problems like you both do. Don't be shy to ask help because it will really help you.

Now that you know how to save relationships, don't forget to keep yourself determined and persistent to do whatever it takes to bring back the lost love and make your relationship even better than before. Good luck to you and I wish you all the best!

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Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/how-to-save-relationships-marriage-made-easy-ebook-1600863.html

About the Author

This author writes about How To Bring The Love Back and Marriage Made Easy eBook.

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Whether you want to save your marriage or are talking about saving a long distance relationship, you need help. You could try marriage counseling or even doing a course like relationship rescue. But for most of us, we don't want to air our dirty laundry in public; even if it is with someone who has heard it all before or at least something similar.

We want to cure our relationship woes in private. How do I know? Why would there be shelves full of books on dealing with relationship problems if we were all ready to use counselors. There is a billion dollar industry involved in producing books, DVDs and courses on how to fix your own partnership issues.

This would not exist if there weren't loads of people willing to pay good money for these products. Unfortunately while there are some great books out there some of the material produced will do more harm than good. So you need to be careful what you read and whose advice you listen to.

Men and women are wired differently. It is not just cultural but physical differences in our brain that we are trying to overcome when communicating with members of the opposite sex. On average women have a more developed hearing and language center in their brain which may explain why traditionally they make better communicators.

Men are programmed to fight first and ask questions later. This again is a result of genetics and not a judgment on men. You can perhaps understand why it is difficult to discuss the problems you may be experiencing. But you have to learn how to communicate properly or you will either end up alone or even worse, incredibly lonely while still involved in a relationship.

A great partnership means that you have to share common interests. You have to be able to trust each other and have the facility to discuss how you are feeling without being worried about retribution. You both have to be allowed to be honest even when what you are saying is not what the other person wants to hear. This is not the same as you have the right to hurt one another. Wanting to inflict emotional pain on your partner is not one of the hallmarks of a successful relationship.

The good news is that you can learn how to do all these so long as you have a good teacher and they don't come much better than Mr T W Jackson. Saving a relationship will be easy once you get his book. What are you waiting for?
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