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Surprising Reasons Why Men Leave (and How to Handle It)

Author: Brenda Shoshanna

After a relationship ends, whether it’s a 20 year marriage or a promising romance, women ask themselves over and over, what went wrong? They ask themselves, their girlfriends and their therapists. Sometimes they even spend weeks and months blaming themselves and become afraid to try again. Once they know what really happened, it’s always easier to move on.

Below are some top reasons men leave and some guidelines on how to handle this.

They’re Waiting For The Perfect Partner

Some men have a secret fantasy which whispers that a perfect partner is somewhere, around the corner, waiting for him. This perfect partner will not only accept him as he is fully, but he’ll finally be able to express the parts of himself that are hidden. She’ll bring out the best in him. Rather than criticize and make demands, the perfect partner will give unconditionally and fulfill his every need. This fantasy should not be discounted, as it fuels much of this man's inner life. When a woman understands this fantasy fully, she has a secret for helping the man really thrive.

They Hear A Call To Adventure

As soon as some men see a relationship as stifling his basic need for adventure, he can feel himself to be trapped in a prison without bars. Many men then blame the relationship for the dilemma he is in. They do not realize that their true need is to find adventure in the relationship. A woman who does best in this kind of relationship is one who provides challenge.

They Suffer From A Fear Of Commitment

The fear of commitment is widely misunderstood. Commitment is inevitable when a man is living from the truth of who he is. When a man, however, is in a relationship out of obligation, guilt, on or to fulfill a false sense of self-esteem, no real commitment is possible. If he’s not committing, it’s because he doesn’t feel things are right for him.

They Fear That They Can’t Satisfy The Woman

There are some women who can never be satisfied no matter how much a man gives or tries to please. Some men become tied up in knots in these relationships and start to feel terrible about themselves. No matter how hard they try, they can’t get the approval they are hungry for. Some just live for those rare moments when they are acknowledged and thanked.

He’s Acting Out The Repetition Compulsion

The Repetition Compulsion is the unconscious compulsion to repeat a painful situation or relationship over and over, in the hopes it will turn out differently this time. Usually each time is worse, brings more pain and disappointment. Even in the rare instances when the person gets what he wants, the original hunger does not subside. The only solution to this compulsion is to go back to the original trauma, face it fully and work it out.

He’s Involved With The Ghost Of A Past Relationship

These Ghosts are memories, dreams and longings that linger from past relationships, which have been finished but are not over. A man can hold onto the memory of a former wife or lover and idealize her to such an extent, it prevents him from being available to anyone in the present. These memories can also become projected on the current relationship. These men must learn to say forgive the past, say good-bye, and develop the courage to love again.

Here are some Touchstones, (guidelines) for both women and men to help understand relationships better and behave in a way that is helpful for all.

Touchstones For Women

- Realize the turbulence a man goes through often has nothing to do with you - and cannot be avoided.

- Give him space to discover himself, without guilt. His changes do not mean he does not love you. Allow him to be all that he is. Acceptance is love.

- Get busy becoming all the person you can be too. There is nothing worse for a relationship than a man feeling you are clinging to him for your life.

Touchstones For Men

- Restlessness and painful feelings come so you can understand yourself better. Don’t blame them on the relationship. This is not a time to run away, but stay put and understands what is going on inside.

- While you are unsettled and confused is not the best time to act. Choices made during this time are often ruled by feelings and needs from the past.

- Make sure you help the woman realize what you are going through. Do not blame her for it. Be patient with her and yourself.

- Understand that craving other women can become an addiction and escape from intimacy, bringing only more pain and repetition in its wake.

Cc/Dr Brenda Shoshanna/2007

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles/surprising-reasons-why-men-leave-and-how-to-handle-it-243912.html

About the Author

Hear men tell you in their own words why they left and what makes a relationship work in eye-opening book on modern relationships - Why Men Leave, http://www.whymenleave.com. Top psychologist,speaker, mediator,and author offers unique guidelines and instructions. Contact at mailto: mailto:topspeaker@yahoo.com. Get free ezine and articles http://www.brendashoshanna.com/ Go to: http://www.whymenleave to get your copy right now.

Family and the Future of Love Relationships

Author: Sarah McCrum

If you look at the average 20 year old, the chances that they have had any real education about relationships and love are pretty slim. Growing up as kids, they probably learned a little biology about the male and female body; they've possibly read some love poetry by Shakespeare or some other great author; they've usually watched their parents relationship going through some significant ups and downs with little explanation about what's going on. But in terms of understanding themselves and their needs and requirements for love and relationship the average 20 year old is pretty unprepared for the real world.

The main thing parents have the power to change in this area is to become more honest with children about relationships while they are still living at home. With marriage ending in divorce at the rate of about 50%, it is unfair to teach children that every relationship is supposed to last forever. It is not true that when you fall in love with somebody - or find the right person - you will live happily ever after. Having babies is not the be-all and end-all of relationships and cannot save an unhappy marriage. The form and function of the modern family has changed and children are not responsible for their parents getting divorced (many of them feel they are).

Many parents want to hide what goes on in their relationship from their children in the desperate hope that their children will do better than they have done. But it doesn't work like that! It never has.

If you want to see your children have better relationships than you it is necessary to start by helping them learn more about the reality of love and relationship. You need to talk with them about how and why relationships work (and don't work). Make a commitment to being more honest about your own mistakes. You also need to realize that your children know far more than you may sometimes think. When you try to hide the truth it is only confusing to them - their senses tell them one thing while your words say something quite different.

This doesn't mean you need to spill all the blood and guts to young children and disturb them. They don't need to know all the ups and downs in your relationship. But it does mean that you need to start to help your children have realistic expectations about relationships, and this includes the fact that every family relationship has problems. Kids need and want to learn how to face up to problems and solve them rather than run away or hide from them. 

If you feel afraid of being honest with your kids about relationships, you are not alone. The majority of parents mistakenly feel that kids need to be protected from the truth because it is often painful or disappointing. But they may not be aware that children see and feel what is going on despite all the things that are covered up or lied about. And to a child, that dishonesty is more painful than the truth. To top it all off, that dishonesty becomes their pattern for their future relationships.

On a more positive note, children can handle much more than we realize if they are treated openly and with respect. Kids who grow up with a more realistic picture of love, relationships and family living are much better prepared for life than those who are kept in ignorance and then are left to make the same mistakes as their parents.

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/parenting-articles/family-and-the-future-of-love-relationships-598408.html

About the Author

Sarah McCrum MA, PGCE, Dip LC, is Director for the Academy of Potential Education located in New Zealand and London. The Academy’s main focus is to “prepare people for the future”, using an approach that assist students of the Academy’s programs to develop the skills to overcome any problem and achieve any life goal. Results for the Academy of Potential Education programs have been very positive. Results can be downloaded here: http://potentialeducation.org/research.html
sarah@potentialeducation.org
http://www.potentialeducation.org

How to Avoid Being a Victim of the Liar

Author: Jim DeSantis

Although honesty is generally taught as the best policy, I would propose that it is the only policy to follow in 99% of cases. The other 1% could be called "white lies.” How are you to know the difference, that is, when someone is telling the whole truth as opposed to a white lie? Here are some tips that will help you spot a liar.

There was an old Hollywood movie starring Charles Bronson as a buffalo hunter and Will Sampson as an Indian Chief. They are in a cave together, hunting the same killer white buffalo, when they engage in a conversation about truth. Bronson, known to the Indians as "the shooter" because he is a skilled hunter, has his version of the truth and the Chief has his. The Chief asks - "Tell me Shooter, what is the true truth?" I ask you the same question. For me, the true truth is the whole truth, no shading. What is it for you?

As we go about our interaction with each other, the white lie is employed more than any other form of communication with those closest to us. We are more apt to shade the truth in order to avoid hurt feelings or, when we know a person really well, we tell a white lie because we know they really don't want the true truth. They have their version of the true truth and that's the version they want to hear.

When we deal with strangers, telling a lie is easy because we likely will never see them again but what about that stranger we may see again? You need to decide if what you are lying about is worth what you will gain as opposed to the potential consequences if your lie is discovered. It is a personal decision. You need to be realistic with yourself. It is easy to become a compulsive liar and ruin your life. Under what circumstances are you willing to risk damaging relationships, reputation, and future opportunities. Ask yourself.  Do the benefits of telling the lie outweigh the risks?

For example: A teen boy tells his parents he's going to the movies with a friend but he's really going to a concert with his girlfriend. Logically, the parents are going to ask what the movie was about and if he enjoyed it. Now, beforehand, the teen could Google a summary of what was in the movie; along with the climax so he can be ready for the questions. Such a young man may not consider the consequences if he is caught in the lie. He does not realize that his parents will be emotionally hurt by his lie and will take a long time before ever trusting him again. His lie has destroyed the parent-child relationship for a long time to come.

Telemarketing has taught us that it's relatively easy to lie to someone over the phone because the sense of personal connection is very small. You can't see them; they can't see you. As a result, you are less likely to feel guilty and, therefore, give visual clues that you may be deviating from your normal behavior. If you were closer to the person physically, you would have a greater personal connection. Consequently, you would be more likely to reveal, in some way, that you are engaging in deceptive behavior.

The same reasoning applies to being close to a person psychologically. If you try to lie to your girlfriend or boyfriend, there are numerous psychological pressures. For example, you'll think about what happens if you get caught, feel guilty about lying to someone you care about  and it will be more difficult to focus on mimicking your normal behavior. This phenomenon is often called "liars’ remorse," and it's usually what people are talking about when they say a liar "wants to get caught." Those closest to us know when we are lying and when we are shading the truth a bit.

Most strangers will not have a clue if you are an accomplished liar. It takes years, by the way, to develop a liar's mentality. An amateur liar will not look you right in the eye when lying. They may touch their head with their hand, or hold their palms up as they spin the lie. These are both giveaways. An accomplished liar does the opposite. They look you in the eye, their hands at their side. An amateur liar will use the strongest adjectives and a voice level that are above normal pitch and speed. A friend of mine says - "I can tell when someone's lying. They talk faster than I can listen."

Most professionals employ specific tactics to catch liars. The cops will make small talk with you to establish what your "normal" behaviors are. When they get down to the serious subject matter, they look for cracks in that normal behavior. Polygraph machines work the same way. There are mental and physical drives that can be detected by skilled interviewers, as well as machines.

There are many more subliminal messages people send when lying. Do some research and learn what they are and how to avoid them.

Jim DeSantis

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/dating-articles/how-to-avoid-being-a-victim-of-the-liar-436795.html

About the Author

Jim DeSantis is a retired investigative journalist who is now a full time blogger. Grab Jim's Free Report "How To Spot A Liar" (click here). No email is required. Visit Jim's blog about the Workplace (click here) for more free information.

Did your husband make it home last night or did he make up some lame excuse about why he wasn't going to be there? Your husband may be cheating on you and practically leaving his infidelity right out in front of your face. Read on to find out signs of a cheating husband.

The signs of a cheating husband could be staring you in the face! Keep reading to find out if he shows any more of the signs.

You should also be aware if he is doing things like hiding the phone bill or the credit card statement when it comes in. If you pick up the phone, does it go silent? If he answers it, is there a quick and whispered conversation before he hangs up, saying it's a wrong number? These are the signs of a cheating husband!

Maybe the dynamic between you and your husband has changed. Perhaps he used to leave you little love notes before going to work and call you in the middle of the day just to hear your voice. While this relationship won't stay this way forever, what happens if you try something like this now? Is he pleasantly surprised or does he get angry and defensive?

You might even be able to find clues of the other woman. He might have a woman's perfume on his clothes or traces of lipstick somewhere. Maybe he's trying to get caught and have everything in the open. The other woman may even be leaving these clues so she can have your man all to herself.

Along with the signs of a cheating husband, you can also sometimes spot the signs of the other woman. When he comes home, you can smell her perfume, or just a different aroma around him. You can see a little trace of lipstick on his neck or on his collar. Some psychologists claim that this is because either subconsciously, he wants to get caught and have it all out in the open, or she is leaving little tell-tale clues around so that you can catch him out and she can have him to herself.

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A flood of emotion and support for each other has been over flowing recently in various public events. Watching this can can cause us normal folks (and by normal I mean not Hollywood stars) to have thoughts of inspiration as well a jealousy. Inspiration because I would like to strive to have in my marriage more of what they have, and jealousy because frankly, I do not want to have to work at it. Sandra said recently that her and Jesse's marriage is strong "Because I know he has my back."

So, what is it that they have? PASSION! They have passion. They've had their share of personal problems to deal with and they have been able to do just that, deal with them. The reason for that is having passion and connection in a marriage will give you the ability to squash any challenges that might come up.

For instance, if a marriage or relationship is having problems and there is no feeling of passion or connection even the smallest of problems are going to feel huge. What if the couple in that same situation have to deal a large problem? Many times, that's when the relationship fails.

The chances of healing a broken relationship are far greater the more connected you are to your partner. Maybe your relationship isn't broken, maybe it's just a little banged up, focus on increasing the passion and it will get stronger everyday. It's at that point the obstacles that life deals out aren't a big deal because you will know you can trust each other, and your relationship.

Want to improve you relationship? Take some time and think of two ways to put some PASSION back in your marriage or relationship, and take action and do them. Maybe it will be the way you can insure that you've got each others back the next time a challenge comes around.

Want to find out more about fixing a marriage, then I'd like to recommend a friend's book Magic Of Making-Up find more passion in your marriage.
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